I think that I'd find it, if only I'd leave, if only I'd pack my babies and my mister, and head to some place new.
I've read that people with names like mine feel torn between family and adventure. We are homebodies with gypsy hearts.
This new year has brought desire for newness, for change, and so I've spent hours in my head, not embracing what I have and where I am, but wanting to go.
And then I remind myself, that there is no community better than my dad and mom and sisters. And I remind myself that these bay shores are my home. This town might not have some of the things that I think I want--wine bars, coffee shops, farm to table restaurants-- but it has absolutely everything I need. It has space for my children to run just a little wild. It has brackish water. It has my childhood wrapped in it, as it wraps my children too.
I'm trying to refocus my day dreams, think not of leaving, but how to make this place more like the ones I imagine I want to be. Maybe I can be the change, or maybe my fancy will pass, as they usually do, and I'll take my kids back to the empty winter beach to look for drift wood and sharks teeth, and we'll come back with sand in our boots, and clean up for a dinner to be eaten with a gaggle of sisters.
Most people wouldn't think so because I can be very introverted and quiet but I'm a restless person, too. I also have very little patience once I think of something I want to do or have. It just has to happen RIGHT NOW. Which has led to a lot of different hair styles and colors over the years. I often yearn for big changes like traveling or throwing out all of my belongings and starting fresh. But my hair seems to be the safest way of controlling that urge. It's worked so far, at least!
ReplyDeleteI've had a couple of late night hair chopping sessions myself. Maybe that's all I need?
Deletei love where you live! brackish waters, empty winter beaches, what could be more dreamy?! maybe road trips could suffice for your wanderlust? that is my plan at least! i am hoping to take our kids on several summer-long trips in the future, or at least couple-week trips to discover the various landscapes of our country and let the real learning and growing happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm fantasying about those very same road trips- the Louisiana Bayou, the PNW, New England, the desert. It makes me wanna sing "This Land is Our Land" something fierce.
DeleteI loved this post because it describes my daily struggle to live in the moment. I don't know if it is human nature or what, but man is it hard to be content with what we have sometimes. Writing like this is a wonderful reminder. Thank you for that.
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