Like most people, I hate to hear my voice in recordings. And there's a reason we don't usually like it, or so Tom tells me. It has something to do with vibrations and how we hear ourselves, versus how other people hear us. Our voices sound different to us inside our own heads.
I think writing is the same way. I hear myself one way, and then I try to put it in words, and it sounds so different. The Rachel of this blog, does not sound like the Rachel in my head, who does not sound anything like real-life Rachel.
Real life Rachel is loud, and her voice sounds like gravel and whiskey, and she laughs even louder than she talks. Real life Rachel mispronounces words she knows the meanings of and she doesn't enunciate as well as she should.
Real life Rachel takes up a lot of space, in every way imaginable. She fills every silence. She uses a lot of hand gestures. Her favorite form of humor involves embarrassing herself in front of other people, the more the better.
Written voice Rachel, this written voice, is so different, at least in my own opinion. This Rachel seems so much softer, more introspective. This Rachel is quieter and sweeter, and in my opinion, not nearly as funny. Also, she cusses less.
I am realizing that most people don't like their writing, but I sort of do like my writing. And I know it has nothing to do with the fact that my writing is great. But I think it might have to do with the fact that my writing voice is so different from my real voice, the one that laughs after she says things so that people will know she is joking. I am almost completely disconnected from this voice. I guess it just means that this voice, the one that works hard on capturing and savoring and thanking, isn't authentic.
In real life, I would laugh right now, a big horse laugh and you would know that I am not taking myself as seriously as it appears. In real life there are lol's and hehe's that I never type. You might not realize how often I intend to poke fun at myself. In real life, I would have offered you a drink and a grilled cheese by now. And I would have tried to offset my aggressively boisterous personality by asking you lots of questions about you.
Sometimes after parties and gatherings, real life Rachel is embarrassed by how completely over-the-top she can be, attention seeking and, quite frankly, obnoxious. If I was actually capturing that Rachel's voice, I think I would hate it. But I don't know how. So I've made up this character instead. And this character seems like a better mother anyway, so I'll let her keep writing.