Right Now

Right now, I'm sipping on coffee in a quiet house. One baby asleep upstairs. Three babies two states away with their Oma, probably sleeping too.

I don't like the shirt I'm wearing and I should go pull the trash cans to the street and the dishes from the dinner I made last night need put away. But right now, I'm dreaming of being an artist, even as I refuse to look at the novel notes I started three years ago and even as I put off writing a poem about shoes that is swirling around in my head.

Instead, I sip coffee and hammer out a clumsy diary entry and think about all the things that need to be done and hope that maybe one day there is more time for doing, while wondering how to ever cut in to all the time needed for living.

Sometimes I think something great lurks somewhere inside of me. Actually, I'm lying. I always think it.

They tell me that my generation has grown up feeling special.

Guilty.

In sixth grade, my teacher told me that I was too smart to become a teacher. She told me that I should do something bigger.

Those words haunt me as I sip coffee and put away laundry and dream of things I don't trust myself to ever do.

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Right Now

Right now I'm typing one handed while Alamae, who has taken to biting, is somewhat painfully nursing away.

Right now every closet in my house is embarrassing, as are 85% of all other closed spaces, including but not limited to drawers, cabinets, the entire basement, Tom's work room, and the refrigerator. "Junk Drawers" prevail.

Right now I am stopping myself from lamenting about the piles of laundry looming large in all corners of the house because I'm quite certain the world is sick of hearing about me complain about laundry.

Right now the boys are in the dining room playing with modeling clay that was today's gift in the advent calendar my mother made them, while Sena sleeps still. Maple sausage is in the oven, and coffee is burning in the pot, and I know I should get up from the computer because things just aren't working out with the photos I'm trying to edit for friends who need them for Christmas cards. Meanwhile I just keep going back to this picture of my children. Disheveled, disinterested children.

I wonder if scruffy can be considered an aesthetic because I'm pretty certain it is my favorite way for children to look, even while worrying that onlookers worry that my children are unloved and uncared for. Why doesn't their mother brush their hair?  For the past few weeks Arlo begs to wear his water shoes in lieu of actual shoes. Sometimes I let him. Because it amuses me. Sometimes I force boots on him. It's getting cold outside.

Later I will post pictures of a busy and yet somehow, restorative weekend. I will get those Christmas pictures off to friends. I will post about who Alamae is at nine months old. I will do all those things and more. Later. Not right now.

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Right Now

It's late.

I should go to bed.

But the house is quiet. It's all mine, and I may have poured a drink just a little too strong.

I'll regret this in the morning, but my reasons are so different than they used to be.

Tonight I had a moment of jealousy tonight hearing a twenty-two year causally discuss being a twenty-two year old. I was never really a twenty-two year old. I was a mom, and I was pregnant with another. But I remember being nineteen and in college, pretending to be a twenty-two year old. It was grand. (Actually, I was pretending to be much older, but you get the drift.)

I remember having no one else to worry about. I remember what it was like to sleep in. I remember what it felt like to feel poor but to also have money to blow on bar tabs and concert tickets.

I know that at any moment the baby could wake up. At any moment, I could be summoned upstairs. But right now...this is mine. This moment with only the fan whirling in the background. The to-do list fades into nothingness come midnight. The dishes in the sink will wait. The laundry can't be sorted. Right now is mine.

Right now is grand.

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Right Now

Alamae James is sleeping in the swing by my side. Tom is at the indoor pool with the other three.

It's peaceful and spring will be here soon.  The waiting is over and my heart is undergoing the beautiful growing that occurs while it stretches and expands to hold another person within it.

These people are mine. It is almost more than I can bear. They love me and they love each other and it feels so perfectly perfect that I don't even know that language can begin to encompass the totality of it all.

Every cliche is true. I'm like a sixteen year old falling in love for the first time. My eyes see things differently, see things better, rosier, certainly. Every word I want to write feels like bragging. I want to hold on to this feeling, but maybe more quietly, privately. Here I am sharing because I know no other way. I have never been good at keeping things to myself.

It doesn't matter that it is damp and gray outside. Silver linings dance around the edges of my view.

There are so many people to love in this world. There is so much to see and so much to do and even doing almost nothing feels like just the right thing.

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Right Now

Right now the boys are in the basements playing, while the girls are outside pushing strollers. And my grand plans of being a good mother, the kind who takes her children places, were replaced with letting the afternoon unfold just the way it was supposed to.

So often these days, my kids would rather spend their moments running between yards, climbing trees, practicing for talent shows with all the other neighborhood kids. And I find myself with more quiet, still moments than I know what to do with.

Right now, I can hear that Arlo has walked up the stairs and out the back door to find the girls. He's calling "be-be" as they walk around the yard toting dolls.

Right now, I feel certain that there are at least six things that I could be doing, should be doing, but instead I think I'll go lay on the day bed and listen to them play.

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Right Now

Right now it feels like there are simply too many people to worry about, and the only relief is the knowledge that summer is just around the corner.

Right now, I'm filling up weekends with all sorts of plans and then lamenting that the calendar is too full.

Right now, I'm happy to have a freezer full of the spoils of my first ever Costco trip and to be rid (at least temporarily) of the age-old question "What will I make for dinner?"

Right now, I find myself going back to this photo over and over again, and feeling sort of smug about my family. Because these guys are cool and these guys are mine.

Right now, I am grateful for an afternoon that somehow managed to feel like a vacation-- two kids playing with neighbors, one kid sleeping, a husband home from work early, and two episodes of Game of Thrones.

Other Right Nows. 1, 2, and 3. 

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Right Now

I'm listening to less music, enjoying more quiet, giving my thoughts space and silence to roam, though the tree peepers add just the right amount of ambiance.

I'm eating the cleanest foods I can find, giving preference to all the best things. Life, right now, seems about priorities and it makes its way into food. Christie, thanks for all Tessemae's deliciciousness. Zesty Ranch makes everything better. It makes eating healthy so much easier.

I'm doing manual labor, finishing our newly installed pine floors. I'm amazed at how much I like the monotonous, meditative task of oiling our floors. It leaves me sore and tired, peaceful and satisfied.

I'm feeling things with my whole heart. It seems like the hours of daylight  directly correspond to how much my heart can experience. My heart is so full.

I'm walking up and down the boardwalk, sometimes letting the big kids stay at the beach unattended, while Arlo and I gaze at the water, wondering, wanting, planning.

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Right Now

Likes:

mermaids, dancing, staying up late

Dislikes:

brushing her hair, pants, properly pronouncing "th" sounds

Likes:

fishing, ketchup, wrestling

Dislikes:

shoes, losing, being teased

Likes:

eating house plants, people laughing, pools

Dislikes:

sleeping alone, car trips, getting teeth

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