Beginning in the Same Place We Ended

We started our year in the same place we ended our year. And truthfully, if 2016 is anything like 2015, I will be more than pleased.

Days on on wintry beach. Clear skies. Cold sand. Forts and sand encrusted sweaters. An evening full of good intentions and nursing babies. Tacos and a yoga class, thankfully not in that order.

I feel asleep an hour before the ball dropped. Woke up to the the mess that comes with an evening full of friends and their children.  We worked together to recycle bottles, roll up sleeping bags, put away toys. Made a breakfast with the previous meal's leftovers, improved with the addition of fried eggs and Trader Joe's hash browns.

I love new beginnings. I love the chance to begin again. To improve and dream and plan.

And tomorrow, with a good nights sleep hopefully wiping away some of the darkness lurking under my eyes, I will pour out my list of what I hope to make of this year. But if I don't, and if nothing changes, if all stays still for this next loop around the sun, I will welcome the next year with joy and gratitude. Because this is good. And I am thankful.

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Ordinary Happiness

This is a photograph of my mother, her now ubiquitous gin and tonic at her side. Gus swings in the background, his friend waiting his turn down the hill.  Just out of the frame my brother-in-law grills rosemary lemon chicken while Sena makes a salad inside. My friend Carrie is playing with our two boys as they swing and slide, speaking to one another in a language similar to English. Another friend's child, who I'm watching for the evening, sits in an azalea bush, her pink romper almost an identical shade of pink.  Molly is rocking Alamae to sleep while Tom's upstairs changing out of his suit. The record player spins, long since forgotten. The house is littered with toy trucks and abandoned glasses of water. The day has been full and messy and loud.

As I wander between conversations, I try to think about how to capture the feeling, the contentment, the happiness. I think about the reasons why I want to capture it, why I want to find my way to a computer to upload pictures and search for words. I think about the reasons why I started a blog, a word I still detest.

I've gotten better about not being jealous of people's things. I no longer spend hours coveting dresses and boots, bags and rugs and fancy rings. But I still get jealous of the lives other people lead, the fun I'm not having. I started a blog, in part, to remind myself that I am making the most of this life. I also started it as a way to keep myself accountable, a way to make sure that I keep making the most of it, that I don't get lazy and stop trying. Life is better when lived with intention. I have been lavished with blessing, but I also work to make it what I want and to appreciate what I have.  And sometimes while I watch my mother sip and stare, I think that I have hit my mark.

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Right Now

Alamae James is sleeping in the swing by my side. Tom is at the indoor pool with the other three.

It's peaceful and spring will be here soon.  The waiting is over and my heart is undergoing the beautiful growing that occurs while it stretches and expands to hold another person within it.

These people are mine. It is almost more than I can bear. They love me and they love each other and it feels so perfectly perfect that I don't even know that language can begin to encompass the totality of it all.

Every cliche is true. I'm like a sixteen year old falling in love for the first time. My eyes see things differently, see things better, rosier, certainly. Every word I want to write feels like bragging. I want to hold on to this feeling, but maybe more quietly, privately. Here I am sharing because I know no other way. I have never been good at keeping things to myself.

It doesn't matter that it is damp and gray outside. Silver linings dance around the edges of my view.

There are so many people to love in this world. There is so much to see and so much to do and even doing almost nothing feels like just the right thing.

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Ode to Saturday Mornings

The mornings when you don't have anywhere you have to be.

The mornings when nothing needs to be done.

The mornings when your bed is invaded by smiling faces, ready to wrestle or curl up in your arms or hide under the blankets.

All week long you look forward to them, try to plan your upcoming weekend to accommodate them, knowing that in a few short years some of the cast would rather sleep until noon or will be too embarrassed to barge into their parents' room before everyone is in a state of full dress.

Mornings you have trained yourself to be rid of thoughts of dirty dishes or floors that need to be swept.

You stay until they are ready for milk or other distractions. You stay until they leave you in a crumple of blankets with the morning light shining in.

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The Optimism Isn't Fading

Everything feels possible right now. It feels like I can make any change I want. I'm remembering the reusable bags every time I go to the store. I'm eating healthy and drinking water. I'm organizing closets and dressers and drawers. Projects are getting finished. Plans are being made. Contentment abounds. I have moments of feeling almost manic.

I read other people's goals and resolutions, and I am eager to take those on too. A clothing/ purchasing challenge? Sure, I'll do that. Efforts to get outside despite bad weather?  I'm on it. A push to organize and declutter? Definitely happening.

I am full of hope and excitement, inspired to do all the little things that I love. This weekend I might make another batch of elderberry syrup or try mixing up a batch of fireside cider. I'll keep sippin' on apple cider vinegar drinks and playing around with essential oils. I'm looking up new recipes and trying to rehash old ones. Life feels full and wonderful. I'm amazed how once you get started on making good decisions, it breeds more good decisions.  When I stop paying attention, I find myself sucked into a iPhone hole in the midst of messy house ordering pizza for dinner.

I'm quite certain my borderline euphoria is a pregnancy hormone induced, but given the fact that usually the pregnancy hormones seem to swing the other way, I'm going to ride this mood swing out for as long as I can.

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All The People

Lots of my family lives close by, some siblings as close as next door. And yet, despite proximity, it's amazing how often there are long stretches of time it feels like I haven't spent that much time with one sister or another. But the last few days have been blissfully slow and there has been plenty of time for being in the same space.

We went to my parent's house in the afternoon, but we spent the morning at home, getting things ready and  working on projects. Since most of the neighborhood kids were gone for the holidays, Sena and Gus mostly stuck in doors playing Smash Brothers on an ancient Nintendo and building giant forts that were easily overtaken by a storming younger brother. Since the Thanksgiving responsibilities were divided among my mom, myself and three sisters, preparation relatively easy for everyone. Afterward dinner we piled as many people as we possibly could around the television to watch The Notebook, suggested by a quasi-brother-in-law who never fails to surprise me.

I've spent the past few days watching my children function as siblings, while thinking about my own brother and sisters. I am grateful that my children have each other, just as I am grateful for my own siblings, who despite driving me crazy and sometimes even to utter despair, also bring me joy and comfort. I'm grateful to have them around to drink coffee with in the morning. I'm grateful that there are people to distract Arlo with dog videos when he becomes distraught. I'm glad that my own children have a chance at those things too one day.

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Thankful

If there is ever a time I don't mind being a cliche, it's now. I have no problem joining in the chorus of voices listing off all the things we have to be so very grateful for. And my list sounds like so may other lists; I am thankful for my family and my friends and my home. I am grateful for my husband and for the little girl who is kicking her feet inside my belly as I write.

If ever there was a holiday I wholeheartedly endorse, it's this one. Sure, like so many things its past is a little suspect, but it's the present that matters. Today it reminds me to be thankful and that's what I plan on doing.

Happy Thanksgiving folks. 

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Our House

Tom took this picture last week. The afternoon light was beautiful.

When I first saw the picture, I saw the flaws. The wonky chairs, the glass on the table, the rumpled blanket, the case on the ground. I saw the things I might have fixed before I snapped, just like I tend to see the flaws in myself every time I see a picture of me. But I've come back to this picture because it is a pretty good representation of our home right now, while we wait for the floors to cure so we can put the rugs back down. A home that we try to keep picked up, but that is lived in and loved in and always in need of more time and effort.


When we bought our house in July, there were two things I hoped we would get to do sooner rather than later: give the kitchen a makeover and replace the wall-to-wall carpet with wood floors. And now, nine months later, I can't believe that we somehow managed to do them both.

Over the past few days my family has been helping us get all sorts of things done around our house. The seemingly never-ending to-do list is being whittled down, and I am so excited to see things coming together, and so grateful to have so much help. They come to the rescue when I feel completely overwhelmed with what needs to be done. They fill the house with energy and possibility, make the chores seem like party games.

I am excited to show updates on the projects because it is about the only thing I want to think about these days. I spend too much time researching shade plants and trolling Craigslist. Spring is the perfect time for this sort of enthusiasm.

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This Weekend We- Family, Friends, Fire Pit

This weekend we played in the sun and walked around barefoot in the sand. Scooters were scooted and  forts were built and little tiny driftwood rafts sailed down a creek cold from melted snow. 

And then, things got even better.

All sorts of people we loved came over for a birthday bonfire from Gus. It was our fire pit's inaugural lighting, and I am quite certain it was a great idea to put it in. I plan to make good use of it as we finish up winter and go into spring.

On Saturday night, I could not even get over how happy I was. Happy about my friends and my family and good weather and good food. 

I was happy that Gus let us invite over our whole tribe to celebrate him. The party wasn't limited to his peers. There are so many people who love that kid and who are helping him to become the amazing human that he is, why should we just celebrate with the under ten crowd? One day my kids might steal their parties from the grownups, but for now they are happy to let us tag along. 

So we torched Christmas trees and strummed guitars, and at least one of us may have gotten a little too festive (finger pointed at myself). 

I also had one of those dorky little moments of excitement, when I realized that I was sitting on my porch with my almost nine year old daughter, while one of the guys from the much cooler, much older college band played his guitar for us. I was so eager in college- so impressed. I danced my heart out to that band every opportunity I got.

It's funny where life will take you. 

Also, my friend Maggie took the bottom five photographs. Thanks, Mags.

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A Whole Lotta Love

I woke up to a six year old bearing Peeps with a baby boy in my bed and my husband no where to be found. At some point in the course of the night's musical beds, he found a quiet place to sleep.

Later, in honor of love and yet another snow day, my three little humans and I ventured out in the sunny, slushy snow for a breakfast date.

It wasn't romantic, but it is surely full of love.

Tonight we'll eat spaghetti  and meatballs, and after the kids fall asleep I'm hoping for Netflix and a bottle of champagne. We don't drink champagne, but tonight I think we should. 

Arlo is taking a nap and Sena is playing in her room. Gus is at my parent's and I'm sitting here not cleaning my house. 

Maybe it is because the sun is finally shining but right now, right this very moment, I feel so filled with love. Love for my husband and our kids. Love for my parents and my sisters and brother. Love for my friends and my house and for the knowledge that Spring is going to come. It's actually quite overwhelming.

Happy Valentine's Day.

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This Weekend We

This weekend we tried our hands at making donuts for the first time. I saw a video narrated my Michael Pollan on Cup of Jo, and it inspired me to make my very favorite junk food at home. I fancy myself a cook, but I steer clear of baking usually, with the exception of my one and only "baking" trick, whiskey instead of water in boxed brownie mix. (I'm telling you, this is a very, very good trick.)

Sena loves to bake, and Gus, just like his mom, loves donuts. And I would like to stop breaking my resolve at a perfect diet with peanut M&M's and other corperation made sweets. I would so much rather lovingly make my favorite foods with my kids, and eat them with my family, than cave to foods I don't actually love.

And so began our donut diaries. This time we made apple sauce donuts, at their request. When it's my turn to pick, we are absolutely making chocolate sour cream donuts.

On Saturday afternoon, full of fried deliciousness and more than a few cups of coffee, I carpooled with friends to book club. We talked about Hild and about women and about power. And we ate more things that I love: pickled vegetables, cured meats, hard, hunks of cheese.

And there was a whole lot of laughing and many bottles of wine. And as usual, an overwhelming sense of gratitude for friendship.

I'm already ready for another weekend: more friends, more wine, more donuts. And hoping beyond hope that we don't have more snow heading our way just yet. 

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This Weekend- The First

It started with a snow day and then a birthday dinner for my dad. It ended with my boys playing chess and the most relaxing bath of my entire life. It included a house project and some errands, moscow mules with friends, the kids' first pair of shoes with laces. And mostly I was struck with the promise that this new year brings. I felt better than I have in weeks, excited and optimistic and incredibly grateful.

I could not feel happier about this first weekend of this new year.

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