I want my kids to be independent, to be able to do things on their own, to take initiative, to feel competent and capable. I want them to be able to make decisions and to follow directions and to know how to fix mistakes.
I don't want to be a helicopter parent.
I don't want my children to be afraid.
A week ago Sena and Gus wanted to walk down to the beach. It's about a block from our house, just down a giant hill with almost no traffic. It's completely safe. I wanted to let them go. I wanted them to get to play without me standing off in the distance. I wanted them to be by themselves and solve their own disagreements. But I didn't let them go, and I knew exactly why. It was not my own worry that stopped me, though, honestly, I would have been a little nervous the whole time. It was the fear of what other parents down at the beach would have thought. I knew that other parents would have seen my unsupervised kids and deemed me negligent.
But I don't think it's negligent. I think it's responsible, in fact, because I want to teach them to be responsible, to look out for danger, to look out for each other. I want them to learn how to navigate the world without me as co-pilot. But I'm raising my kids in a culture of fear. No one wants their child to get hurt or to make a mistake, so we stand at their side desperately trying to protect.
Yes, judging parents be damned. I totally agree with you on this. Kids have to learn to stand on their own to feet. It's our job to get them standing once we do, we have to learn to start letting go. It sucks for us, but it's so good for them.
ReplyDeleteI like that they need me, but I want them to get to a point that they don't, and that takes time and baby steps. What makes me nervous makes them accomplished.
DeleteJudging be damned, and also fear of judgment be damned! That's the hard part, I think.
ReplyDeleteFear of judgement is WAY harder for me. I ooze guilt.
DeleteI have this book and have been slowly peeking into it. I can't wait to read the whole thing, especially after what you've written. As always, your perspective is so refreshing and honest. How tricky to navigate this culture of fear, and sometimes seem that the projection of fear itself causes danger? Ugh, so frustrating. Like the way the media focuses so much on scary stuff somehow perpetuates more fascination and more repetition of said scary stuff. Or else we just have wayyyyy too much media. Anyway let us know when you let them run down to the beach alone! This is something I think about often. When do you get to leave your kids home alone? When do my kids get to walk downtown by themselves? Are there specific ages that it becomes culturally acceptable, and what about legalities, and how much do I care anyway?! I was a paid babysitter at age ten but it seems things are much different these days!
ReplyDeleteRead it, Heather, and then tell what you think. It definitely gets into how the media creates fear. Meanwhile, crimes against children have been decreasing since the seventies. The best thing you can do to keep your kids safe is to make sure that they are happy and whole; that seems to be the best deterrent. I think I'm going to start by letting them go down before me or stay after me and take it from there.
DeleteThat book is honestly on of my very favorites. It is empowering.
Oh I love that book so much! My whole childhood was playing outside on my parent's wooden property. We are raising my son in suburbia now but I want him to know the outdoors and to explore it on his own. I read somewhere that letting kids explore on their own gives them the message that you trust them and they ARE able to handle situations that they find themselves in. Great reflection.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed how much nature this is to find, even in cities and suburbs. And even when you might not have fields or forest, even being outside and idendepent is still better. I'm so glad you came over here. I really enjoyed reading some of your posts on finances. I need more of those lessons.
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