On Motherhood Eight Years In

When I discovered I was going to become a mother, eight years ago, at the age of twenty, 

I was desperately terrified. 

It wasn't something I wanted, and I felt pretty certain I wouldn't be very good at it.

Everything felt so uncertain, but I knew my tiny daughter had very literally saved my life.

 And as soon as Asenath came into this world, my world, I was so in love, even 

when I felt inadequate, even when I felt impatient, even when I felt scared and more than a little lost.

Time went on. Uncertainty faded. Fear abated. Feelings of inadequacy lessened.

Tom and I wanted to give our girl a family, 

a sibling to love and to protect and  to fight with and to forgive.

So on a whim, we had Gus, and the decision was reckless, and it was fueled by love.

And the years passed and our children grew, and Tom and I
learned to be pretty good at being a mom and a dad. 

We wanted more, more family, more siblings for our children, 

more love for more people, so we had Arlo. 

And motherhood, now, at twenty eight years old, deliberate, 

planned motherhood, it feels so different at times, so self-assured and practiced.

I am grateful. I am grateful for my beautiful family. I am grateful for their health and their happiness.

I am grateful to get to experience motherhood in so many different ways, as a twenty year old who found her footing, as a twenty two year old who impatiently, lovingly and enthusiastically grew her family, as a twenty eight year old who is doing a better job savoring these moments.

 I've learned they pass so quickly.

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