Monday, January 4, 2016

A Resolution

To find myself again. In bits a pieces. In fits and starts. Because even posting a picture of myself feels weird. Embarrassing. I'm allowed to share my children, but sharing myself seems ...vain?

Once I find me, underneath the mom that who has completely taken over, I want to take care of me.

It started with yoga. That's what I thought my resolution was going to be. To establish my practice. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's about so much more than yoga. It's about wearing nice underwear and bras that don't have underwires poking my utters. It's about not just thinking of my breasts as utters.  It's about taking long epsom salt baths in candle lit spaces. It's about making myself a cup of tea and sitting on the porch drinking it even if the house is a wreck. Even if I know that I should start dinner.

It's about putting on a bra before noon. And brushing my hair more often. And wearing perfume. And reading books. It's about being a dynamic human who takes care of herself, and remembers herself, even though she has a sizeable number of children. 

I have been pregnant or nursing since the beginning of 2012. While I will likely still be nursing for pretty much all of 2016, I need to be more than a milk maid. More than a cook. More than teacher and a house keeper. I am happy to be all of those things. But I need to be more. Because I miss me. I miss spending time in my own head.

Like I said, it started with yoga. This resolution formed with the desire to be healthier and more mindful. And from there, happiness follows. And when I am happier, I am a better mother. More patient. More kind. More present.

I am hoping this micro resolution has macro reverberations. Hoping that a better me leads in some small part to a better world.

It all connects. Healthy food. Healthy planet. Happy heart. Happy children. If I am a better me, I am a better milk maid, cook, teacher and house keeper. And certainly a better sister, friend, mother, daughter, and wife. And all of those relationships ripple out.

Small acts can feel revolutionary when done with intention.


  1. A lovely, thoughtful post - wishing you little moments of joy as you take and make the time to reconnect with yourself again.

  2. I'm forwarding this to my dear friend. I am also rereading it a few times.
    Me, too, Rachel. Currently, braless.

  3. beautiful - your words and your self-portrait!