Not Quite Whole, Still Loving Myself

A friend of mine, the one who inspired me to try it out to begin with, asked me about my Loving Myself- Whole30 Challenge. It occurred to me that I put it out there and then never mentioned it again. Maybe in part, actually definitely in whole, because I didn't do as well with it as I hoped.

I'll start with the positive. I lost weight, 10 pounds, which is wonderful and made me feel really great and optimistic. And while doing it I felt great, and I don't mind eating this way at all. However, and there is always a however with me and diet, I didn't stick to it the way I wanted to. I didn't actually do the Whole30; I did the Twothirds30 or maybe the Seventyfivepercent30. That doesn't feel great, not because it's some sort of failure, but because I didn't achieve what I set out to achieve. And when I started thinking about that, I got sort of embarrassed. I started to feel like I failed, but that is nonsense. My challenge had two parts, and the first part was about loving myself.
I did a pretty good job, not perfect, but pretty good. And just because I didn't do it this time, doesn't mean I won't do it. This needs to become my new normal, so today, I'm going to get back on the horse, or whatever it is that cavemen got on, since that's the theme. And tomorrow, I am going to look myself in the mirror and remind myself that I love myself, and that I can do anything that I want to do, and that I'm beautiful (are you guys still reading the cheesiness I'm spewing right now? Man, cheese...that's the hardest part to get rid of) And while I can't commit to the whole Whole30 until after the new year, I can recommit to big changes I have put into motion.

"Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.”- Gautama Buddha

And you know what, I'm excited about it, and I refuse to feel defeated.

I might share some of the things I discovered/ figured out along the way, not because I think people are all that interested in the specifics of my changes, but because so often putting things into words helps me to understand them better.

I want to be the best mom I can be, and that means being healthy, and it means setting a good example for my children. The best gift I can give them is a mother who is full of life, love, and energy. Today i am born again. Today matters most.

  

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Autumn Outside

The weather is changing, and the dark sets in early.

I can feel bits of sadness creeping in. I miss summer.

And so I'm doing the things I know to do to keep my spirits flying just a little higher. 

I'm trying to make myself go outside, even if it's cold, even if it's dark. 

The fresh air feels good. The exercise, as little as it may be, keeps me happier.

This weekend we made a giant leaf pile. 

Sena loved it. Gus immediately jumped on a stick and declared it a bust.

The next night Sena, Arlo, and I bundled up for a nighttime walk. Arlo fell fast asleep in his sling. 

Sena held my hand and told me storeis of her American Girl dolls. 

Our house felt a little warmer when we came back inside.  

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Loving Myself- Whole30 Challenge

I love me.

It's a weird thing to say, I guess. It's one of those things I feel like you aren't supposed to say. I feel like there is this idea that as a woman, I am almost supposed to be a little insecure. It is totally acceptable to admit to all sorts of body issues and to discuss your flaws in large groups of woman, but as soon as you say you like anything about your physical appearance, that you like you, that you love you, you set yourself up for criticism, not to your face of course, but when you leave. It's sort of scary to say it out loud, or type it. But I don't want to be scared. I want to love myself and celebrate myself and radiate confidence.


But even though I like myself and I usually think I'm pretty, I have always struggled with my weight. But I try not to talk about it. Because it seems weak. And I don't want to be weak. I want to be confident and I want to be secure. I don't want to be a pathetic constant dieter, who never seems to live proudly in her own skin. I don't want to rob myself of joy and pleasure while I count calories. I want to live fully, boldly, confidently. Dieting seems like the antithesis of that life.

So sometimes I try to diet on the sly, so as not to give the impression that I care. So as not to seem to concerned with my imperfections.

But today I am starting my Whole 30 Challenge. I'm doing it because I do love myself and I do think I'm pretty, but I'll admit that I would love for there to be a little less body to love. And even if there is just as much of me at the end of this challenge as there was at the beginning, I love my body and I want to treat it well. There ain't no way my diet Pepsi and a chocolate sprinkle donut are doin' me any favors.

I'm hoping this makes me feel good and energized and healthy and beautiful, and not just crazy and jonsing for some ice cream. I'll let ya know.

*That is my excited/ nervous/ confident face, in case you were wondering. I mean I figured if I'm gonna write a post that declares that I love me, I at least needed a picture of me to prove it. 

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Making Changes

I love New Years for the promises it holds, for the sense that you can make changes, do better, be better, live better, live more. It is exciting and inspiring, and it is full of possibility. But I don't want to let that desire for self-improvement remain relegated to a cold month in winter. I want it to flow through every season; I want it to  influence the whole year, begging me to work at being a better me, the best me.

This spring, I want to think about the changes I want to make for a healthier, happier me.  And so today I am saying good bye to one of my guilty pleasures (and I don’t use the word guilty lightly. I actually feel a tremendous amount of guilt about it.) I know it is terrible for me; I know it is terrible for the environment. I know it’s a bad example, especially for Gus who is constantly trying to sneak and steal a sip. Today I say good bye to diet soda.  I say good bye to the chemicals I’m pumping my body full of, and I say good bye to the plastic waste I contribute to every, stinkin’ day. I mean, why am I going to spend so much money trying to buy local, pastured meat and GMO free produce, and then fill my body with aspartame? It makes no sense. I make no sense!

So see this soda, this one right here, sitting right next to my journal full of resolutions and hopes and dreams and goals and wants and wishes, well this here soda, I'm hoping it's my last.

 I’m excited for this season, a spring full of small changes. I’m hoping this is just the first in a series of small, manageable new habits.

Are there any goals you have for spring? 

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